Being really sick for a week now, makes me wonder why i am doing this. And makes me realize i don’t want to disappear. I want to be there in this world. With my son and my wife. My disappearing self is just like suffering from a disease.
Researching disappearance. It started as a plan to perform my disappearance. Amd maybe to do that online and offline. But the further i dive into this. I realized this is bigger. This is about transition and my quest for lightness. Disappearance into everything
Could it be my transition is a temporarily switch between 2 states. That can be the butterfly and the caterpillar. Or wanting to disappear and dont disappear at all.
But why? Why did i wanted to disappear? I remember now this started because of my new purpose and happiness in life. And the abscense of time to create or just work in my studio.
I felt the artist Danny van der laan was disappearing. And though im completely happy, I can’t help missing the person i always was, the person i am too. I will always be that person but without an income from my art, the Art world won’t see me as a professional artist too. And thats even more sad. So i guess my identity: the artist Danny van der Laan is dead and has disappeared.
But looking in the mirror at my sick body. I discover this is just a transition. A fase. I will be a butterfly disappearing into everything